About Me
Hey, I am Anna!
It is always hard to describe oneself, what to put on the internet or not, which perspective to take,
but let me give it a try:
I am an educated Reiki Master in USUI Reiki, Sekhmet Reiki and egyptien Sekhem-Seichim Reiki.
Further do I have certificats as Yoga (Yin + Vinyasa Flow) and Meditation Teacher, Breathwork Instructer and Kambo Practitioner. In my heart I have always been an artist, though I did not create typical art the last years. My sound strange to some, but I also see myself as my greatest Masterpiece and even this project is a form of creation.
One of my greatest passions have always been expansion of consciousness. Already as a child it felt natural to me to connect and visit other realms than the so called 3D-plane. Also shadow work or to make it less esoteric reflection and analyzation on my own and other peoples behaviors and underlying intentions have been a natural part of my life since very young age. I never understood why people behaved like they did, or I understood exactly why they did it, but could not understand why they would not see it themselves and through adjustments find better ways to interact with themselves and others. But I do absolutely not mean that I always acted perfectly, I also took up a lot of subconscious negativ beliefs about myself and some of the behavior pattern I hated the most about people around me.
I 'officially' started meditating 18 years ago, although meditation has so may different faces and I also started to do a kind of meditation, without knowing any concept of meditation on my own. Do to severe problems to fall asleep and laying awake in bed for hours every night I got the idea to play around with focusing on the patterns that one can see with closed eyes, which led to ending up in a floating/levitating state, which people often experience in Yoga Nidra for example.
It is not that I meditated daily since 18 years ago, it was more an on and off relation in different phases, but I come back to it have been doing it daily for the last 4 years.
I came in contact with Yoga or better said Asanas (the physical practices, all the above is kind of doing yoga) also about 18 years ago, and like with meditating I hade some quite intensiv phases but also breaks which could take som years before picking it upp again. I did some 2 yoga teacher educations but I do not really see that as my calling as profession and leave that gladly to others. I love the practice and the way it makes me feel and the connection I get to my body but I prefer it to do it for myself.
I found Breathwork (modern Breathwork) parallel to Reiki through my own Reiki master Michelle Baker about 2,5 years ago and also directly got stuck on it. Besides the help with trauma release and profound insights about myself I also love that it makes it really easy to connect to transcendental states without using any substances.
Though some substances are rightfully called sacred medicines and can have a profound healing and expending impact on your life, when used in the right way and setting. They can make it quite easy to connect to higher realms which otherwise needs years of dedicated training or special 'talents' and are like door openers to realms, that I as a child called 'the world behind' (today I would probably change it to beyond).
I personally have worked with them for 24 years (if I do not include cannabis, which is quite tricky cause it is so mild that it easily can be misused), they always gave me personally a strong sense of coming home and I would really recommend it to everyone who feels a calling to do so, but be very really picky with the setting and people you share the experience with! Than there is also often the tendency to get too over exalted or hyped about it or even get stuck in thinking it would be a solution.
All tools and medicines are 'way-showers', can be great ones, but the insides they can give you, have to be integrated in your 'normal' life otherwise it is kind of lost. So in my eyes if it helps someone one can have a more intense healing phase but than later one should just revisit it very occasionally, just to see if there is some new information or focus point to work on.
I did an education as Kambo practitioner this spring and will probably start offering sessions this year; It is not the only sacred medicine I believe in, but one of the few one can work with without getting into conflict with the laws in many countries.
Than you probably want to hear about my relation with Reiki after all this is a Reiki training:
I first met Reiki when I was 18 trough a coworker that wanted to give Reiki to me after a minor injury, but to be honest I did not feel anything and I neither thought that this guy had some kind of healing capacity, I just thought it was humbug and forgot about it.
About 3 years ago I hand a lot of pain do to an operation and used to put a hand on my stomach to sooth the pain. One night I realized that there was something else coming from my hand than just the normal physical warmth but also some kind of vibration that was spreading which felt really nice. I tried it the next night again but could not recall what I did to start it and gave it up again.
Half a year later I stumbled up on my Master Michelle how was offering a Reiki training the following weekend. Reading the course description a was remembering that night after the operation and wondered if it was that I did.
I went the course and since that day I was hooked. I went all other levels and not the first month, but I got kind of addicted to the befits I feel from it and have been doing it daily since.
I really love it as a tool and it helped me so much in releasing trauma and today I still love it for cleansing my energy that I pick up during the day and use it to stabilize my own heighten energy level.
I also hired a studio and was offering Reiki sessions for halv a year, but besides that I can not say that people in Stockholm were queuing infront of my door I do not think this is what I want to do anymore. I worked so hard on my own energy and though I do not mean that I do not want to help people that really need help and want to work on themselves, I really prefer to be in my own energy and feel also the price I would now take for cleaning someone else would be to high for most to afford.
Lastly said about the tools, most of them can be sold in a more scientific and analytical way about nervous system regulation, emotional or mental regulation, which is very important part of knowing oneself and living a healthy live but for me personally the spiritual part is the most important. And I do not mean spirituality as something outside mysterious but more as a normal completion, that I as much as I connect to the outside world, connect to my inside world and know as much about it as possible, to orchestrate my hole being in the best way; to see and realize the mirroring aspect of my inside and outside and the connection I built with myself (how deep, true, compassionate ans loving) which is always connected to ability to connect with other people. For me it always felt naturally, but I think it would to the most , if one stopps mystifying it and realizes that it actually is really basic for living a all around happy live. And it should not be separated from your 'earthly' live, built an equal part.
We all have our soul, mind, emotions and physical body, no part is better or worth than the others and just in full contact and balance of all parts we can completely experience and enjoy what it means to be human and to be alive.
But I don't think all the above, were the only things that made me who I am today and was important for my work. We, who work with healing the collective have probably all thoosen some quite challenging life cirumstances so that we could transform darkness into light, clear ancestrial and collective karma, programming and patterns. Which we first had to experience on a personal level to transform it, so that we pave the way, make it easier for others to do the same, and yes also through advice but further more through inspiration to do the same and showing that it is possible.
We, who work with the feminie collective probably all got a taste or fullblown expierience of some form of oppression, neglection, belittlement, assult, abuse (physical,sexual,emotional or mental), threat and some even death threat or other misery. Just because these themes have been going on in capitalistic patriarchal society we have lived in some thousand years now.
But we also leave the victim mentality (of cause it is necessary in the healing process to understand that we were a victim, that it should not have happen to us and that we are not to blame because the responsibility lays always on the perpetrator) behind, to empower ourselves again and because we in our mission signed up for it before coming here, because we are strong enough to transform it, so that we can help the 'weaker' ones and change things for the better.
I will share my personal experiences quite open just because it can be helpful to people that experienced the same.
Also about my family, not to talk bad about them, but I do not share their belief of the trying to keep a perfekt outside appearance or ignoring problems as a good solution or helpful to change things. I love them and I know they tried, but they were not the ones that could break the chains of ancestral trauma.As always, may everyone be forgiven for not knowing better as I forgive myself for things that I have done wrong, while not knowing better. (Continuing with wrong behavior while knowing better is a different thing).
I grew up in a material very stable household in Germany (some extra karma), with a psychological very challenged mother, who also had severe problems to connect to me since birth. On my fathers site of the family were also quite some trauma and to make it short, both do not really know what self love is, or how to connect in a healthy way. A lot of arguing and massive codependent tendencies and even manipulation and violent communication were normal. My father getting conical sick and being forced to early retirement in my early teenage years did not help the situation. Both of my parents and even my brother were so filled up with their, that there was not really time or space for me or my mental or emotional needs. I from a young age felt supposed to just take care and support my family members. I became the typical empath, could read people and their needs from a mile away, while never really knowing where other people stop or I myself begin. I learned to reject my own needs and some of my emotions and became quite good at pretending and masking.
Although I was always popular in relations outside of my family with other kids and parents, cause of my different talents, cleverness, creativity and also my good heart, but I always even till adulthood did not really believe that people truly like or love me because it felt like my parents could not love me and that there must be something wrong with me.
Although there was a lot of light inside of me there was also a really dark part which mostly show itself to the outside in self harming tendencies, mostly with substances.
Than I left everything (my family, friends, flat and belongings,social status) behind following the calling that there was more for me. Already knowing and following my intuitions, that I would end up in Sweden, to meet my other half, I first traveled around for 1,5 years in Europe and India before arriving here.
Trying to settel down again and the urge to not be alone anymore, I attracted a partner that was emotional, mentally and physically violent and in the end got raped by I so-called friend of him. After that started the darkest period in my life with. I was totally lost in a impenetrable fog of constant anxiety and hyper arousel, never feeling safe and even unaware of that I felt different before that events. Completely dissociated from my feelings and body, feeling completely hopeless, worthless and dead inside. Some years later I got connected to my feelings again, which led to so frequently panic attacks that I got problems at my work. The loss of any kind of self-worth, an unconscious addition to pain and drama, with its 'kicks' of extrem highs and lows in emotions and nervous system, led to very self-destructive behaviors and going into connections with others very sick individuals, which let to more, lets simply call it traumatic events.
Quite some years later after repeated burnouts I slowed down and at least started to take more care for my body again but got reoccurring depressions and still had no real connecting to myself or my body, everything felt really mechanical and just pressured and controlled. I still did not really trust myself or anyone else and isolated most of the time, looked in in my apartment alone was kind of the only moments I could relax a bit, not being obsessed with the need to always calculate others peoples next steps 4 steps ahead, always expecting to be seriously hurt again. Over all those years I again and again moments where I woke up a little more again, which of cause felt like a relief but also a shock how 'gone' I had been, and seeing the pattern, the knowing that I probably still could not see and think clearly.
Though having found joy in some aspects of my life again, serious PTSD flash-backs, which in objectively totally harmless situations, could be triggered and let me freeze completely, with completely dissociation, kind of out-of-body experiences, time memory lose, losing ability to speak and problems with control over normal motor functions, did hit me even more than decade later.I still got scared for my live at any possibility for real connection or even the starting of developing romantic feelings for someone. The following panic attacks normally stayed with me for a week until I finally found tools to regulate my nervous system down faster. And for those who think, why didn't she went to therapy, I did from the beginning. Tried different kinds but they sadly did not work for me, some actually made it worth.
And I do not say that one should not go to psychic therapy, but it sometimes does not help or help in all aspects. I do not say it will be the solution for everyone but for me it was Yoga 8the combination of fun movement and breathing) that connected me with my body and endorphin release again, singing mantras to calm down my nervous system, reading books, resurge on the internet about abuse, reading about and knowing that I was not the only one in these situations, that made me mental stable and avoided falling into self-loathing patterns, in the end Reiki and Breathwork and writing that help me to move through and release the stuck emotions and patterns and the most existential part the self compassion, every time I fall back and for the seemingly never ending of the process.
But hey, I think it is a question of perspective and if one can widen one's perspective enough, one does not take it to serious and personal anymore. All things that I went through, "good and bad", made me who I am today, and besides that, even if things got really hard and frustrating and my human self would have preferred to skip some parts, I never wanted to be someone else. I fought with a conscious death wish for a lot of years, cause I could not see a way out and if I would have known how long it would take me, to get out of the darkness again, I probably would not be here anymore, but I still am. I know that I have caused a lot of people a lot of pain, cause it was hard to watch me for quite some years. I guess most people gave up on me, cause they had to, which just left me with myself. And even if it sometimes feels like I lost a lot of times in the darkness and that I am behind in some aspects in life after societies standards, I do not really believe I did, cause in the end I found deeper self trust, self worth, strength, confidences, compassion and knowledge than I would have, if I would have stayed on the path society tells you to stay on. I often was not sure if I would, but I made it and the love for myself and passion and excitement for the future have never been stronger.
Almost forgot another important qualification, of cause I have also been a traveling carpenter.
© SOMA Anna Gottwald
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